Point of No Return
by skygirl55
Summary: "You'll never be alone—not if you don't want to be." Caskett. Insert for 4x01 "Rise" goes AU from there.
1. Chapter 1

**Point of No Return**

 _Picks up in the middle of 4x01, AU from there. What might have happened in Kate's apartment_

 _There are 3 parts_

* * *

 **ONE**

"…if this was an accident I've got nowhere to start. If this was an accident I've got nothing. The guy who shot me is gone. Dick Coonan, gone. Hal Lockwood, gone. Montgomery, gone. My mom…everybody is gone, Castle."

The despair washed over her like an under toe threatening to pull her out to sea. Her chest ached almost more than during her first few weeks of rehab. It was all so crushing; so unbearable.

Her mother's case—the one case she _needed_ to solve with every fiber of her being—was the one that continually eluded her. She'd make progress then hit a dead end. Uncover something new, needing it to be the thing that took her ten steps further than she'd been before only to be walloped again by a brick wall or a bullet to the heart.

Not solving the most important case of her life took a toll on her emotionally and physically to the point where she just didn't know how she could go on. How could she be such a great detective and not solve this case— _this_ case.

Rationally, she knew she was being too hard on herself and that not every case was solvable, but why did this one have to be one of the ones that she just couldn't figure out? How could her mother's killer be that cunning? She was skilled; she had resources, so why the hell couldn't she break it? She tried again and again only to fail as many times, but each failure sunk her deeper into the hole she knew that one day she'd never be able to climb out of.

"Not everybody."

The strong baritone of her partner had Kate lifting her gaze and shaking her head as a stray tear escaped the corner of her eye. She brushed it away with the flick of her index finger and sniffed, trying to regain her composure in front of him.

"I-I'm sorry, Castle. I didn't mean to imply that you…just forget it." She dismissed her momentary weakness as casually as she could and turned her back in a futile attempt to hide the remaining tears threatening to fall.

Kate knew that Castle, her partner, was by her side and had been for years. It had been she who turned her back on him that summer while trying to process….everything. She knew it was wrong at the time and seeing the pain etched on his face caused her deeper pangs of guilt, but they would move past it now—together. She would not take him for granted again, but at the same time she needed to keep him safe—from her, from those that wanted to hurt her. She wouldn't push him away, but keep him on the fringes at least until she was ready for them to be together the way they both wanted. But how could she ever get to that place with her mother's murder looming over her like a storm cloud weighted like an anvil?

A soft hand landing on her shoulder caused Kate to breathe in sharply. She hadn't realized he'd approached her from where he sat and it appeared he was only trying to comfort her, to make her feel better like he had done so faithfully during their lengthy partnership. Shutting her eyes, she brushed away another tear and held herself steady, trying to draw strength from the warmth of his hand.

"I'm still here, Kate; I'm still right here."

He surprised her again by placing his opposite hand tentatively at her hip. It remained there for the span of a few seconds before he snuck it around her waist so it rested just above her belly button. Instinctively, she reached down and covered his hand with her own, but not to evade his touch, merely as a response from how close he was holding her. They didn't usually do that— _close_ —and she was curious as to this new form of comfort he was attempting to provide.

"You'll never be alone—not if you don't want to be."

He tugged her towards him until her back connected with his front and she sucked in a breath, arching her body into him. His hand dropped from her shoulder, skimming its way down her arm until it met with the others joined at her waist and she felt a shiver traveling up her spine. God, she wanted him so much. Him—the only man who had ever made her feel the way she did; feel things she never imagined possible thanks to her fractured heart.

She knew she should resist him. They had so much to talk about. She needed to work through so much before it was fair to embark on a relationship with him—fair to either of them. She didn't want to hurt him; she wanted something that would last and she just wasn't there yet, but, god, the way he held her—so strong, unwavering. His arms around her made the pain in her chest just a little bit easier, the ache in her heart more bearable.

A moment late she felt his lips against her neck and she knew it would be harder than ever to resist; harder than ever to be _alone_. His lips brushed the space beneath her jaw and she felt the iron chains around her heart break apart. She wasn't even sure how her body moved so fast, almost beyond her control, but almost before she realized what was happening, she'd spun around in his embrace and fused their lips together and—

Oh. _Oh_.

So this was what it felt like to kiss someone she felt so deeply for. His mouth was hot against hers and his hands roamed her back and when she raked her fingers through the hair at the base of his neck she knew that moment was the one she'd waited her entire life for. She felt whole and complete—and desperate for more.

"God, Kate," Castle moaned when she nipped at his bottom lip with her teeth.

"I know," she managed, breathless as she kissed his lips again and again, her hands migrating to tug at the front of his shirt.

Without consciously realizing she began backing her way towards the bedroom, pulling him along with her. All fear and logic had escaped her mind and she instead focused on the searing heat in her low belly—the fire she knew only he could quell. The moment they crossed the threshold to her room Castle began working at the buttons of her lavender blouse, but she didn't realize until one of his hands slipped inside and palmed the cup of her bra.

"Oh no wait!" She twisted away from him and clutched the separated edges of her blouse together as she frantically searched for the t-shirt she'd slept in the night before. It was soft cotton and a bit oversized so he could still easily get his hands beneath it, but at least she'd be covered.

"Okay."

He sounded a mixture of breathless and reluctant, which made a small smile cross her face. Keeping her back to him, she scooped up the gray shirt from the floor, tossed it on to the end of the bed, and began working the remaining buttons on her blouse. "Just—just let me put this t-shirt on and-"

"Wha—why would you be putting clothes on?"

He sounded so befuddled that she almost laughed. Turning only her head as she shrugged her shoulders out of the shirt she explained, "So you don't have to look at my scar."

"Kate."

His hand landed back on her shoulder, but she refused to turn to face him, instead reaching for the shirt to pull over her head. "It still looks really bad and-"

"Kate." He repeated her name as he pulled the shirt from her hands and pushed back against her shoulder, encouraging her to turn and face him. She did so, but with her fingertips covering the red, puckered mark between her breasts. She still found it hideous, though the doctors assured her it would reduce in size and coloring in the coming months. Even still she doubted she'd want to show it off, particularly as it served as another reminder of her shortcomings as an investigator.

The man before her tuned his gentle blue-eyed gaze towards the spot she covered and, with a delicate hand, pulled at her wrist so she would uncover the mark. She did so, though with great reluctance. She watched his face closely but his expression of adoration didn't change as his thumb traced over the swell of her left breast until he reached the valley and it rested on the scar. Turning his gaze back to her face he said, "I want to see all of you—every part—because you're beautiful."

Without waiting for a response, he lowered his head to kiss her. She rose up on her toes and fell against him, letting him turn their bodies so they could collapse down on to the mattress and become lost in each other.

Curled up on her side, spooned into Castle's strong embrace, Kate lay with a sated smile on her face. Making love to Castle had certainly been an event beyond comparison; something better than she dreamed possible. He was, without question, the most amazing man she had ever met. When she drifted back into consciousness at the feeling of him squeezing her waist a bit tighter, Kate's eyes fluttered open and her eyes focused on the book resting on the edge of her nightstand. _Heat Rises_ stared back at her in bold text, and she felt an uncomfortable tightness at the back of her throat.

Kate slid away from her companion enough to sit up with her back against the headboard. She pulled the sheet up to cover her chest with one hand while reaching out for the book with the other.

"Mmm no, stay in bed…" the writer hummed, his voice thick with sleep.

Kate didn't respond or even look at him. Instead, she stared down at the book's cover and the silhouette reflective of her image. She recalled the exact moment she'd read the end of his third novel. From the setup of the scene, her heart was already in her throat. Knowing how his books often mirrored their lives—and cases—she had expected Nikki to take a bullet. Perhaps not to the chest, but in some way or form. When Rook was the one shot, she'd gasped out loud and dropped the book.

"What is it?"

Kate gazed over to see the writer siting up in bed looking between her and the book balanced in her lap. She curled her fingers a bit tighter around the novel and said quietly, "Rook tried to save Nikki just like you tried to save me, only he took the bullet." She wanted to ask him if that was truly how he felt or if it was just how he wrote, but she was too afraid to do so directly, thinking he might think her ridiculous for asking if he would have chosen to sacrifice his life for hers.

"Hey." He reached over and circled her wrist with one of his hands. "I tried to save you the same way. I know you don't remember, but I did."

She shook her head and lifted up her hand to cover her mouth as she remembered that moment in the cemetery: the breath evaporating from her lungs when the bullet entered her chest and a moment later slamming into the ground with Castle on top of her. "You could have been hurt—killed," she squeaked out.

He twisted his body so he could face her and hold on to her arm with both hands. "I would have done anything to save you from that, Kate—anything. I think about that moment every day. I wish I could have been faster to save you from being hurt. If I could have, I would have, even if that meant a bullet for me instead of you."

His voice sounded so strong, so sure, but she struggled to believe that anyone would voluntarily sacrifice themselves that way. She supposed she would have, had their situations been reversed, but she was a cop who had sworn to protect the city. He was a civilian and was under no obligation to do so, yet there he sat with a strong gaze and steady grip on her arm. Sniffling back tears she sighed out, "But w-why wo-"

"Because I lo-"

"No. Don't." She cut him off quickly, letting the book fall to her lap as she scooted away from him in the bed. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and shook her head, unable to hear those three words again and how they clawed at her heart. Still, there they sat naked, both bodies and emotions on display, and she couldn't let him think she didn't return the sentiments even if she was unable to say the words. She couldn't start whatever it was they were starting with a lie—not anymore. "I know. I remember."

He moved closer to her, the blankets crumpling in his lap. "You remembered the shooting? When?"

She glanced over her shoulder tentatively and breathed out a rattled breath. "I remember everything—every second. I never forgot I just…I don't know I was so scared. Scared I was dying. Scared of what you said. It's one of the reasons I hid from you all summer, because I didn't know how to face you again knowing how you felt."

His brow furrowed. "I don't understand."

A mirthless laugh escaped her lips as she said, "Neither do I! God, I wish I did. If I did maybe I'd deserve someone like you, but… I don't know." She covered her face with both hands and attempted to wipe away the tears collecting on her cheeks. From the moment she lied to him about her memory, she regretted it, yet was still terrified to reveal the truth—to face what he said. The terror raked through her and though a small amount of happiness followed behind it, it wasn't enough to erase the fear.

"All I knew was in that moment I was certain that was the end and hearing what you said was absolutely the best thing for me to hear, if it was the last thing I heard on Earth because…because it meant everything was real between us." She remembered shutting her eyes as she faded in and out of consciousness knowing that he loved her and thinking that if she were to die, it would be okay, because at least she had loved someone who loved her in return even if they had never actually had a chance to be together.

A singed expression crossed his face. "Was there a time you thought it wasn't real?"

She nodded. "All the time. I was afraid that…I just couldn't believe that you would feel that way about me." Practically everything about him befuddled her from his crazy theories to many of the aspects of his life. He was a rich, handsome celebrity who also happened to be a genuinely kind and incredible man. He had literally dozens of women groveling at his feet at any given time, yet he chose to shadow her; he chose to call her amazing. Those factors of her life were unbelievable enough, but for him to be in love with her? It was almost unfathomable.

He blinked slowly at her and then reached out his hand to skim beneath her jaw and pull her closer to him. He said, "Then let me prove it to you," just before pulling her in for a long, slow kiss.

After making love a second time, Kate lay with her head on Castle's chest as they snuggled against one another. The writer certainly had done a thorough job of "proving" just how much he cared for her to the point where she wasn't sure she was physically capable of movement yet. She had also discovered several more things he was very talented at—all of which she was incredibly grateful for.

When they'd both reached their climax and he rolled off her, he husked into her ear, "Believe me yet?" with a cheeky grin on his face and her heart had summersaulted in her chest. Kate knew with one hundred percent certainty in that moment that the man beside her was the one she would spend the rest of her life with, crazy as that seemed. She'd heard about it from others and certainly read about it in books both fictional and non— _the moment_ when one knew they'd found the person they'd spend their life with. Kate didn't believe it was possible until that exact moment. Joyful as it was, she knew she was not in the mental or emotional headspace for a full-blown relationship at that time, amazing as their intimacy was.

"Castle?"

"Hmm?"

She pushed herself away from him and propped herself up with her elbows on the mattress so that she could gaze at him. "I meant what I said before—on the swings. I still have walls around me and they're not coming down in a day."

He reached out his hand and brushed a few strands of hair from her forehead. "I know that, but I'd like to help in any way I can."

A light laugh bubbled out of her lips; he truly had no idea how much he was already helping break down her walls forever. "You already are. I'm sorry I hid the truth from you."

"Apology accepted. So where does that leave us? I mean, we kind of hit a point of no return here," he said, gesturing between their still-naked bodies.

"That's okay; I don't want to go back." As much pressure as she would feel to speed up her emotional availability now that they'd been intimate, she didn't regret it. Knowing just how deeply he felt for her aided in quelling some of her remaining fears. Plus she knew exactly what she was working towards.

"Neither do I. So…?"

She shrugged and shook her head. "I don't have an answer, Castle. All I can tell you is that I'll try. I don't know how long it's going to take, so if you're not okay with waiting I'd-"

"Kate," he cut her off, scooting down in the bed further so that their faces were even. He skimmed his hand over her shoulder and down her bare back. "I don't care how long it takes. I'll be right here waiting. I mean literally right here – I'm not leaving your bed."

She groaned and laughed at his cheeky grin. "Castle!"

He leaned in and gave her a sweet kiss. "You're worth waiting for, Kate, but I do want us to spend time together—have dinner, go to movies…"

Though her face flushed from how excitedly he gazed at her, she agreed with, "I'd like that, too."

He kissed her again. "I can't wait to go on non-dates with you!"

She laughed and snuggled up to him once more. "I think we can call them dates, Castle." True, she wanted to keep their intimacy on hold until she felt more emotionally ready for it, but all things considered there was no question in what direction they were headed.

He hugged her tighter and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Even better."


	2. Chapter 2

**TWO**

As he busied himself cleaning up the kitchen after making dinner, Castle caught a glimpse of the clock on the microwave and smiled to himself; only ten minutes until his _girlfriend_ said she'd be at his place and he couldn't wait.

She'd been working late on a case while prepping for a trial, which was why she had not joined him for the meal. She initially told him she wasn't sure if she'd be coming over at all due to her business, but she had texted him half an hour earlier about her impending arrival and he could not have been happier for it. He hadn't seen her all day and wouldn't turn down any interaction with her, even if she only stayed a few hours.

All things considered, the prior five weeks had gone wonderfully for the both of them, even if they had not been traveling the smoothest path. Barely a day after the events in her apartment Castle was contacted by a mysterious man who received a file from Montgomery that was meant to keep Kate safe, though it had not arrived in time. Stunned and even more confused, Castle had gone directly to Kate with the information and they agreed that in light of their budding relationship, they would put everything to do with her mother's murder case behind her. Castle knew how hard the decision was for her; it was etched all over her face. He wanted more than anything to take away her pain—to solve the case with her—but they couldn't without putting both their lives at stake. Kate express to him that she still hoped to get back to her mother's case one day, but agreed to put it behind them for the time being—at least until the heat died down.

Once they were over that hurdle, things just kept getting better. He enjoyed each and every one of their almost-dates and though they weren't making love or kissing intimately, she did hug him freely and bid him goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, unless they were at the precinct where they needed to maintain a strictly professional environment since Kate's new captain was still unsure of having a writer-turned-investigator in her fold.

Other than being able to speak freely with his partner about his feelings in a way he never had before, the thing Castle enjoyed most about their relationship was the change he saw in Kate. She truly was more relaxed and happier on a day to day basis. Her walls were already beginning to come down and he would do whatever it took to knock them over for good. Yet, at the same time, he accepted it was a process. She was seeing a therapist and he had even joined her for one of the sessions and hoped to so again in the future. They were, after all, in it together—forever, as far as he saw it.

Shortly before eight Castle heard a knock on his apartment door and knew it to be his partner. He rushed over and greeted her in his typical cheerful way only to be dumbstruck by her nearly disheveled appearance. She wore an oversized hooded sweatshirt, her hair was in a ponytail, though half of it had fallen out, and her eyes were puffy and rimmed in red. "My god Kate what happened? Are you okay?"

"No." She managed as she stepped inside.

He hadn't spoken to her on the phone earlier, only received a text, so he wasn't sure when she became so upset or what had happened to cause it. "What's going on?"

"I need to talk to you but I don't even know where…I don't…"

"Hey, it's okay." He assured her, skimming a hand down her back. "Whatever it is, it's going to be fine. Let's just sit down and you can tell me all about it." With his hand on the small of her back, he led her to the main seating area of the apartment where they sat on adjoining couch cushions. Kate had both her hands in the pouch of her sweatshirt but once he was seated, she removed one of them and handed him a slender white object. At first he was confused, though once it was in his hand, he didn't even need to look at the display screen to know what it was.

"Pregnancy test?" Castle's face flushed hot as he flipped the object over to see—oh, dear—the digital display showing one single word: _pregnant_. "Oh…Kate."

A million different emotions soared through his body over the course of just a few seconds. He was elated and scared, excited and upset, confused and overjoyed. Kate was pregnant. Kate was pregnant with his child. He and Kate were going to have a baby.

Lifting up his gaze, he saw her bottom lip trembling violently as a tear poured out of each eye. "I'm so sorry," she cried out, sounding as though she were a small child who broke a lamp after being specifically told not to throw a ball inside.

"Wha—oh no. Don't be sorry. Oh my god, here." He groped for a tissue box at the edge of the coffee table and placed it in her lap before looping an arm around her back and rocking her gently side to side.

"I never thought…I didn't mean…"

"Kate." He hushed her stammering and kissed her head before giving her a tighter squeeze. "It's okay. I mean, this is where we were going anyway, isn't it?"

"In like five years, Castle."

He grinned wide since she couldn't see his face and his joy was not at risk of irking her. He couldn't help himself, though; he was thrilled to hear such an answer from her. Continuing to keep his tone light despite his thrumming heart he said, "So we upped the timeline a bit—so what? You, unfortunately, cannot plan your life like you plot a book—I know that better than anyone."

Shaking her head, she pushed herself away from his embrace and stood a few feet away as she threw her hands out to the side and cried, "God this is so messed up…this isn't how I wanted this!"

"I know." If he was being one hundred percent honest, this was not how he wanted it either. His first child had been unplanned and he'd always thought his subsequent children would be. He was a little sad to miss out on the excitement of purposely trying to get pregnant, but he was not upset about her pregnancy—not even a little bit. Having a child with Kate Beckett had always been a part of the plan in his heart, even if he never allowed himself to truly think about the probability given how much they'd already been through.

She grabbed another fistful of tissues and held them beneath her nose, an irritated expression crossing her face. "I just feel like this is totally my fault. My period has been so irregular since my shooting. The doctor said it was expected after my trauma and all the meds I was on, but she still suggested I wait to go back on The Pill until I got a little more regular. I was supposed to start next month…I'm so stupid; I never even though-"

"Hey; stop." He cut off her guilty statements before they could go any further. He stood up and stood in front of her promising, "This is not your fault. We were both caught up in the moment. And, for the record, I'm not upset about this. I'm surprised, obviously, but I'm also kind of thrilled."

Despite the fact that he smiled at her, she remained skeptical. "How can you say that?"

He skimmed his hand under her jaw and brushed his thumb over her damp cheek. "Because I love you," he said with unwavering confidence.

"Castle." She flopped back down on the couch and returned the tissue box to the coffee table with surprising harshness.

Castle sat beside her and slid his arm around her waist. "I know we agreed to take things slow but… it's true; it's how I feel. I understand—you need time to figure things out and I respect that. Having a baby doesn't have to automatically mean we get married tomorrow. We can still figure things out together. I mean, we have nine months until he or she gets here, right?"

She gazed at him as though he'd been shouting incantations instead of being atypically calm and rational. "Why are you being so wonderful?"

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. I'm scared, Castle."

He squeezed her hip. "I know. Me too, a little bit. Having a child is scary, but it's also wonderful and-"

"No, not about the baby; I can hardly think about that right now. I'm scared about this—us. I've never done anything like this; I've never been all in before. I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up."

He leaned in and kissed her temple, proud of her for saying things he knew months earlier she would never have been able to. "You won't. Yeah it'll be a little scary and it'll be hard, but you'll get there. You know how I know that?

"No."

"Because you're here right now." She had come directly to him instead of hiding or pushing him away by being cold or rude. She'd been open about her emotions and concerns and to him that meant they'd already turned a corner. "We're going to be ok, Kate—the three of us."

She sighed and slid away from him a few inches. Pulling out her ponytail holder, she dropped it in her lap while combing back her hair into a proper tail with her fingertips. "Castle, look, I appreciate all this unwavering support but...can you tone it down a bit? I mean, be a little more Castle-y. I could use a distraction."

He laughed while enjoying the domesticity of her fixing her hair while wearing an oversized sweatshirt and a pregnancy test sitting just a few inches away from them. "Okay…how about we talk about the fact that I'm over 40 and I got you pregnant our first time having sex—how awesome is that?"

Just as he'd hoped, she rolled her eyes at him. "They should build a shrine to your manhood."

"They should!" he happily proclaimed while she fought to keep a grin from overtaking her face. Ultimately, she lost and he chortled happily. "Ah there's that beautiful smile."

She ran her teeth over her bottom lip and reached out to place her hand on his forearm. "I'm sorry for being a bit of a disaster…it's been an emotional few hours…"

"Since you took the test?" he guessed.

She nodded. "It started at the Twelfth. The boys skipped lunch so they went to get Chinese for an early dinner. The second I smelled it I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I was trying to figure out how I got food poisoning since all I had was a granola bar out of the vending machine when I saw one of the other cops walk in with a tampon in her hand. I realized I didn't remember when my last period was so I made an excuse to the guys and got the test on my way home. I spent the next two hours were spent working up the courage to come over here."

He danced his fingertips over the back of her hand. "Was it really that scary?"

She gave a noncommittal shrug. "Kind of…but less scary since you're kind of being amazing."

"Well I try."

Kate leaned in, gave him a kiss, and then rested her forehead against his. "Thank you. For being here for me. For being…everything."

He pulled her close and pressed his lips to her temple. "Always."

* * *

 **A/n** : thank you all so much for your reviews. final chapter will be up on Saturday


	3. Chapter 3

**THREE**

"You going to be okay?" Castle asked in a hushed tone as they stepped off the main street and into the alleyway where their NYPD colleagues had already gathered.

"I'm fine." She hissed in return, a little bit perturbed. Okay, so two days earlier she had vomited nearly instantly at the sight of a body that had internal organs spilling out thanks to an unfortunate run-in with the front grill of an MTA bus—but who wouldn't have been nauseated at the sight of that? She could tell Ryan too seemed a little queasy. Fortunately, that event had quickly been ruled a suicide so the gruesome photos did not have to remain on her murder board for more than a few hours. Oddly, the sight of the photos didn't bother her, just the real, gruesome thing, but Kate was convinced that event was a one-off one as a result of the fact that she had very recently eaten.

All in all, the first two months of her pregnancy had gone well. She had very little morning sickness and only actually become physically ill from it a few times. The doctor assured her that despite her recent bullet trauma, her body was healthy enough to carry a child to term though she did have to suffer through an internal ultrasound to confirm that fact. However, the comforting knowledge that their baby was healthy and growing was worth her temporary discomfort.

As it had only been a few weeks since she found out, she was still getting used to the idea—as was her partner. To his credit, Castle was being as wonderful and supportive as she could have imagined—even more than she imagined at times. He continually checked on her, made sure she had everything she wanted and needed. If she showed even the slightest interest something he was practically sprinting out the door to the closest bodega in minutes. As much as this annoyed her slightly at times, she did appreciate him being the life partner she always hoped he would be and their relationship was definitely moving in the right direction—so long as he didn't treat her like the ticking time bomb that could vomit at any moment's notice.

"Oh, there you are; body's over there beside the dumpster." Esposito informed her—thumbing in the direction he referenced.

Kate nodded and stepped delicately through the ally so as not to trample on anything that might be evidence, though it was more than likely just trash. Catching sight of the body, Kate was pleased to see the man she estimated to be in his late twenties had only a gash to the head, which was not even remotely gruesome compared to all that she had seen. She practically had a smile on her face as Lanie began her speech about the victim's state when a slight breeze blew through the alley, assailing Kate's nostrils with the grotesque rotten garbage smell from the dumpster; her stomach lurched.

Immediately covering her mouth with her hand, she shut her eyes and sucked in a deep breath through her lips. She was going to be fine. She was not going to throw up. She was absolutely, positively, most definitely going to be—"Shit!" She cursed as she felt the bile rise in her throat. She pitched herself forward, hand landing against the side of the offending dumpster, and vomited just a few inches from Castle's shoes. She let out a string of curses internally as the crime scene momentarily fell into silence. Castle surreptitiously pressed a tissue into her palm and she brought it to her lips, thankful she'd been able to get out of the range of the body so she didn't damage their scene with her weak stomach.

"I'm sorry; I'm so sorry." She mumbled out behind the tissue, spitting into it in hopes of ridding her mouth of the taste. After the previous incident, she'd had the bright idea to keep a pack of gum with her just in case, but she'd left in in the cruiser. Just as she was about to request Castle retrieve it for her, he placed a hand gently on her back and said, "I saw a coffee shop across the street; I'll go get you a peppermint tea."

She thanked him genuinely before turning back to her team and apologizing once more. Concern across her face, Lanie tilted her head to the side and stood, stepping around the body to come closer to her friend. "That's the second time this week. Are you sick or something, honey?"

"Wha—no." Kate rebutted immediately. "No, no I'm fine. I just…I'm fine."

Lanie patted her arm. "You know you can be honest with me, right?"

"I'm fine Lanie. I'm—" The scent of garbage hit her nose again and she felt her stomach lurch. Pressing the tissue tightly over her mouth she held her breath for two seconds then pressed it out through her nose. "I'm fine." When she opened her eyes again, she saw Lanie had twisted her lips to the side and was looking at her knowingly. "What?"

"Girl you're pregnant aren't you?"

"Lanie!" She gasped with horror as her cheeks flushed. They hadn't even told their parents yet; it was far too soon to be telling her coworkers!

Lanie crossed her arms over her clipboard and pulled it tight to her chest. "What? I'm a doctor, I can tell these things. Besides. Other than the flu or food poisoning it's just about the only reason you would throw up at the sight of a body. You didn't get food poisoning twice this week, did you Kate?"

"It's not the body it's the smell of the dumpster."

Lanie hummed under her breath. "Further proving my theory because pregnancy can cause hypersensitivity to smells."

Too nauseated to argue, Kate dropped her hands to her sides and rounded her shoulders. "Look I'm not supposed to-"

The ME squealed and pulled her friend into a bone-crushing hug. "Oh my god girl! You _are_ pregnant!"

"Whoa what? Beckett's pregnant?!"

Kate grimaced at the sound of Esposito's voice while Lanie shrank away cringing. "Oops…sorry."

"Lanie!" She groaned while both boys circled around in front of her, confusion etched onto their faces.

"You're pregnant?" Ryan questioned.

God, what a mess. She sighed and skirted her fingertips over her forehead. "Look, guys, I'm only nine weeks—I shouldn't be telling anyone but I also cannot guarantee I won't throw up at a scene again. Bad smells tend to…set me off." She admitted reluctantly.

Ryan considered this. "Is that why you yelled at me when I was eating egg salad."

Her stomach lurched again at the memory of the event. "Yes, but guys please-"

"No worries, Beckett; secrets safe with us." Espo promised.

"So who's the father? Is it Josh?"

Kate shot her friend a look. "Lanie I haven't been with Josh in over six months."

She nodded. "Right. So who is it then?"

Evidently, her male partners took her ten second silence during which she was determining how to respond as an indication that something was wrong in her relationship with the mystery man, because Esposito jumped in aggressively with, "Does he know? Is he bailing? Cause we'll-"

"Guys—no. Calm down. Everything is fine. I just wasn't planning on telling everyone so I'm…ill prepared."

Lanie gently shooed the boys away saying, "Makes perfect sense. We'll absolutely drop it. Now as I was saying, our vic-"

"They didn't have plain peppermint, just mint herbal, but I made sure it's decaf for…oh, oops, sorry Lanie; didn't mean to interrupt." Castle laughed nervously when he returned with the take-away cup of tea. Kate thanked him quietly and popped the lid off the cup so it would cool more quickly. Just as she was about to turn back to Lanie and pay very close attention to the information she was saying about their victim, the ME let out a bark of laughter so loud Kate jumped.

"Oh my god!" Lanie continued. "That's great!"

The writer's brow wrinkled as he looked at her. "Did the body tell a joke?"

"Oh no. No, no; I just realized something."

"What?" The three men asked simultaneously.

Smirk on her face, she turned toward Esposito and Ryan. "And you call yourselves detectives?"

Ryan looked at Esposito. "What is she talking about?"

"I'm not going to say if you missed it."

"Well now we're all curious," Castle said. "I can't believe I missed something –or did you say it before I came back with the tea?"

Lanie raised one index finger. "Ah! The tea—Exhibit A!"

"Lanie," Kate warned, but the ME was too excited to be deterred. Turning towards the detectives she said, "Castle made sure Kate's tea was decaf."

"Okay?"

"Decaf."

"So? Maybe she's cutting back on…oh right pregnant women." Esposito concluded, clearly annoyed he also had not picked up on the clue.

A squeak escaped Castle's mouth as he gaped as his partner. "Yo—you told them? I thought we weren't telling people yet?!"

Lanie stabbed a finger in their direction. "See there—that's what I figured out! It's about damn time guys."

Castle gazed at each of the people surrounding him, his brow thoroughly wrinkled. "I feel like a lot happened when I went to get that tea…"

Kate let out a laugh and reached out to squeeze his arm. "The cat kind of jumped out of the bag…" Though she would have preferred to keep their secret until they were ready to share it, it was just as well that they knew. It certainly would be less exhausting to have conversations around them as they would no longer have to worry about accidentally mentioning something.

Clearing her throat, she addressed the group, "Okay, you got us. Castle and I are having a baby but please keep it to yourselves and let's not make a big deal about it, because I haven't told Gates yet just in case this…complicates things with our partnership."

Ryan grinned at her. "Don't worry, Beckett—we won't tell and we'll cover for you in the field. Gotta keep Castle Junior safe."

"Actually I've never been a fan of juniors. If he's a boy, I'd like to name him Cosmo."

They had yet to broach the subject of names as they were waiting to find out the gender, so Kate had never heard any of Castle's suggestions before. If that was his top choice, she was going to become very concerned very quickly. "I hope you're kidding."

He smiled. "Not at all; it's what I was going to name Alexis."

She shook her head. "We're not naming him Cosmo—if it's a him."

"For what it's worth I agree with Beckett," Ryan stage-whispered to his friend.

"Me too," Espo added.

"Wha…fine." Castle grumbled and Kate patted his arm.

"Well anyway—congratulations, even though we're not supposed to know. And maybe you should get out of this alley before it makes you sick again." Lanie suggested.

"Yeah we got this, Beckett—and congrats from me as well."

"Me too," Ryan said.

Kate nodded to each of them. "Thank you. This was, ah, quite a surprise but we're getting more accustomed to the idea."

Castle snuck his arm around her shoulders and said, "She means: we're very excited." They then turned to walk out of the alley as Kate sipped on her tea. It wasn't until they were back at her vehicle when Castle asked tentatively, "You are, right? Excited."

She let out a breathy laugh. Though the fear of being a good mother was still very strong within her, excitement was beginning to be her main emotion related to the baby, especially the further along they god. "Yeah, Castle. It's still sinking in but after the doctor's appointment and getting the books I am. It's kind of more like an excited terror but excited is still in there."

The writer waved his hand flippantly. "Terror? Please. Remember I've done this before. And you're going to be an amazing mom. What…hey what."

"Nothing." She squeaked out as a tear escaped her eye. In the span of one minute she'd gone from borderline nauseated to being overwhelmed with emotions for the amazing man before her. "I think it's the hormones."

He nodded and slipped his hand into the breast pocket of his blazer. "Well that's why I bought a one hundred pack of these online," he said, handing over the plastic packet of travel tissues to her. "Hopefully you can do the same with baby wipes."

"Oh my god I love you!" She gushed out, taking the tissues from him. It was only as she was dabbing beneath her eyes that she took note of the rather shell-shocked appearance on his face and realized that was the first time she'd actually said those three little words to him aloud. Stepping forward she smiled and closed her hand around his forearm. "I mean. I do—I do love you, Castle; sorry it took me so long to say it."

He shook his head and smiled, looking a little misty-eyed himself. "Don't worry about it—and I love you too, Kate." He walked over to open her car door for her but then paused and said, "So, um, not to push but—can we tell our parents and Alexis now?"

She nodded. "Only seems fair. You think they'll be excited?" The trio of relatives was aware of their budding relationship, but nothing further had been said, even if Kate had spent more nights at the loft than not over the prior few weeks.

"Are you kidding? They're going to love it. I mean, we're going to shock them, but that's fun, right?"

She nodded. "Very fun." As she slipped into the car the smile on her face grew wider with the knowledge that with the family she was building with Castle the word "fun" was definitely going to become an every-day part of her vocabulary—and she couldn't wait.

* * *

 **A/N:** thank you all so much for reading this quick little ficlet

up next is The Other Side of Broken - which will be 14 chaps


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